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Literature
Burnt-Out Cigarettes
Smoke rings
from the corner of her mouth
she watches amusedly,
as they float off across the empty parking lot
stemming from the top of her beat-up Chevy.
pretty things
worn to cover up the bruises on her wrists
the bruises on her fists
from the fighting that she does
when she gets home.
For her life
she's fled
away time and time again
but eventually
her eyes lost their luster
and her voice lost it's spark.
A cloud loomed over her,
one with weapons made of words
and bruises following after.
He was a beast.
Her mom couldn't see through the love she held for him
after being alone for so long.
She couldn't see the trail of cigarettes
the black as
Literature
I Guess
In 2018, I didn't need to visit the doctor or a hospital even once. I guess this means that universal healthcare is neither necessary nor worth it.
It snowed heavily in November. I guess this means that climate change really is just pseudoscientific nonsense.
At work, we sold a record amount of Plan B throughout the year. I guess this means that abortions are redundant in today's society and should be banned.
Nobody has ever called me out for making inappropriate or sexist comments. I guess this means that women in general have been overreacting this whole time.
I have friends who are people of color. I guess this means that racism is a t
Literature
five people who mean a lot
a: thanks for teaching me how to laugh—sometimes it is nice to get lost in rolling laughter and hysterical giggles. around you i'm unconscious of worldly things as our jubilance brings me to greater heights and it becomes easier, and also desirable, to live in our moments.
c: your passion can ignite my sometimes dry-stick soul—and you know better than most that i'm not the kind that sits around the bonfire, but with you i'm reminded that there's more to life than the to-do list and i can relegate it to kindling as we roast marshmallows on its remains.
a: you've always had my back, my darling, and it can't be easy. i'm fairly heavy
Suggested Collections
A little bit of fiction for FotoFriday! Inspired by this image, so thanks to insolitus85. I also borrowed some language (squeeze-bottle, interactive, maybe a few others) from Tad Williams's amazing Otherland series, but this isn't fanfic or set in that world at all.
Questions for critiquers:
1) Is there enough sense of the world for you to make an informed guess about what life is like? Is the blend between science fiction-type language and more modern words acceptable or jarring?
2) Could you infer what IDS stands for from "Enter Planet Married Fence Servers"?
3) Was the voice childlike enough? Where did it lapse into a more adult voice?
The Great Lit Crit Event!Because Critique is Awesome!
A couple weeks ago, I wrote a couple articles about critique in the deviantART community. The response to those articles was generally positive, which was completely awesome. Several people expressed a desire to try their hand at giving and receiving critique, and so the idea for this contest was born!
Step One: Write
You may submit any piece of writing for the contest. It does not need to be a new piece, but it must adhere to these guidelines:Prose should be 2,000 words or less.
Questions for critiquers:
1) Is there enough sense of the world for you to make an informed guess about what life is like? Is the blend between science fiction-type language and more modern words acceptable or jarring?
2) Could you infer what IDS stands for from "Enter Planet Married Fence Servers"?
3) Was the voice childlike enough? Where did it lapse into a more adult voice?
© 2013 - 2024 ShadowedAcolyte
Comments14
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactYou know how much I love reading your work. Always so richly detailed and fascinating. So many happy sighs lol.
I thought the blend was perfectly balanced. I especially liked the bit about the shoes being a space ship. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/l/l…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="384" title="LOL"/> That is a great way to set up not just the character, but the setting. The fact that she views something that transports you from one place to another as a scientifically designed machine instead of "magic" firmly places an impression of future-era in the readers mind. It is subtle, but powerful. Kudos.I kind of just slid over the IDS reference. It was confusing, but didn't seem all that important to the story. I'm not sure if it helps or hinders your story - more than likely that depends on who is reading it. But I would personally edit that bit out. I also agree with Braxton-T-Rutledge about the narrative inserts. They can definitely go. I would like to see a bit of expansion about "the house"...I'm not sure what happened between living in the house and being in the terminal. Did Julia and her father live in the terminal? A bunker? Was their house confiscated? Did they move after her mother died? I want to know why her father doesn't like to talk about it.
The detail about the shoes at the end was really well done, but it was also the only time I felt emotionally connected to your character. I think expanding upon her past just a bit will help readers connect more with your character, and thereby enhance an already excellent reading experience.
In regards to her sounding too adult, I'd revise the last sentence to use a word other than "father". Papa is usually my go-to for little kids addressing their fathers. But almost no one who grew up with a dad who was willing to spend hours discussing the most mundane details with his child says "father". <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="387" title=" (Wink)"/>Also in that last sentencebegan to form can be tightened up to simply formed...sorry. I always notice unnecessary prepositions. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/l/l…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="384" title="LOL"/>Good work! I hope something in this turns out to be useful, and thank you for participating in the Great Lit Crit Event!
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="357" title="Heart"/> Lili