Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconshadowedacolyte: More from ShadowedAcolyte


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
January 31, 2013
File Size
1.0 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
4,328 (1 today)
Favourites
211 (who?)
Comments
116
Downloads
471
×
The Gay Agenda

we unpacked the car in hundred-and-ten degree heat
home after our three-months, big-haul supermarket run
stared at the late season watermelon
we grabbed on an impulse
I got the cutting board and a bowl for rinds
you got the never-dull, wedding-gift ceramic knife

we tore into our pieces at the same time
swamping desert thirst in southern fruit
pretending we were comfortably cool
believing it during each bite
I opened a new paper towel roll (we had been out)
you gave me the next slice, cut yourself another

we ate the whole damn thing in one sitting, not talking
just munching one icy wedge after another
until I mumbled a joke you made me repeat
(had to slurp-swallow to do it)
I said, “I said, I think this makes us—”
you, with a fresh juice smile, finished: “—a couple of fruits.”
A poemlet. Thanks to *AGMeade for inspiring the thing--she mentioned her love of watermelon and I started telling a story and then it sort of fell into a poem.

Questions for critters:
Is it too long? What is most cuttable?
Is it too prose-like? Does it need more sonic devices (rhyme, alliteration) or rhetorical awesome (imagery tricks, metaphor) to justify it as a poem?
Too cute?
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-02-08
:iconarthisa:
I clicked on this DD on impulse, because the title caught my eye. I really liked this poem.

The first stanza is great. I love the succession of hyphenated phrases ("hundred-and-ten", "three-months", "big-haul", "never-dull", "wedding-gift"). It really adds to the lack of punctuation and creates a feeling of hurriedness, like you don't have time to explain but you put in all these details in anyway, and it really drew me in. I also really liked the way you used line breaks, especially for "stared at the late season watermelon/we grabbed on an impulse". That later line surprised me, and at the same time it was a good way to change the focus from the heat, the season, and the watermelon, to the "we" and their interaction.

After that, though, the second stanza was a bit disappointing. I really like the first three lines of the stanza, but after that, the pace slows down. I thought the line "believing it during each bite" took away from the feeling of the previous line – no need to explain any further that eating the watermelon makes them feel refreshed! It's pretty obvious already. Then, the parenthesis was a bit annoying. Not only did it cut the flow, it didn't really add anything to the poem. I would use parenthesis in a poem like this to say something that's somewhat in juxtaposition with the current image/message, not just to add in detail. (Also, the word "new" already indicates that fact that they already had a paper towel roll, and who opens a new paper towel roll before they need it? the "(we had been out)" is slightly redundant.)
In general, this whole stanza could be be a lot tighter.

The last stanza was also great. To be honest, it took me a little while to get the ending joke (and I still think it's a pretty silly joke – although also very sweet) but even before I did, I love how you managed to line up the two lines so that the joke reads naturally from one to the other, and one has subconsciously already gotten the end of the joke before one reads the last line – and it just makes the whole thing so much more terribly sweet and cute (in a good way.)

Too answer your questions: It's not too long per say – I don't think there's such a thing as set length limit for poetry – but I do think there is stuff in there that you can cut, as mentioned earlier. It's not too prose-like – again, I'm not even sure there is such a thing – it's a very particular style that reads off the tongue and feels very honest and direct, and I think rhyme or alliteration would only take away from that. If you wanted to be more "poetic", adding more imagery could do the trick, but I think it's a great poem already.

Congrats on the DD, and I hope you find the critique useful. =)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconlankadoodle:
Lankadoodle Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013
I love this, it's just so playful!
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2013
Thanks! That's 100% the goal, so I'm glad you found it such!
Reply
:iconfoxfire96:
Foxfire96 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This made me smile. It's really cute and light-hearted, and a lot different than what I'm used to reading in regards to the topic of homosexuality. It's refreshing.
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013
Thanks! I actually really like writing happy, joyful pieces about homosexuality, because too much of the literature is caught up in the negatives. And while there are unpleasant stories out there--I've lived a few myself--there are so many underreported joys, too.
Reply
:iconcybergranny:
cybergranny Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Congrats to the DD, the title caught me and I really liked it, though I agree with Arthisa about the second stanza. And I learnt smth by reading the comments, I didn't know gays were called fruits, I thought you were referring to the male parts hehe :p
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013
Thanks very much for the comment.
Reply
:iconpyrianassassin:
PyrianAssassin Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I like this! This is one of the best pieces of literature I read in a LOOOONG time!
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
Thanks for the kind words! There is a lot of great literature on dA to read!
Reply
:iconpyrianassassin:
PyrianAssassin Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Your welcome!
Reply
:iconazeila:
Azeila Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That was very cute, but not too cute. I loved it. :aww:
Reply
Add a Comment: